All Heart

I wish I could figure it out . . .

lkirk — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:15:46 +0000

tis the season . . .

lkirk — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:44:27 +0000

Christmas eve, 2008. This has been a very unusual holiday season. I’ve gone through all of the motions; trimming the tree, putting up lights and decorations, shopping and wrapping a few gifts but it just hasn’t felt like Christmas. I finally made my debut back on the Opera stage in Amahl and the Night Visitors at the beginning of the month and it was an exhilarating experience to say the least. However, when it was over there was the usual let down that accompanies the closing of a good show.

Donald and I have attended a few gatherings and have enjoyed our friendships over the past couple of weeks. Donald has been having a particularly tough time recently though. He’s worried about his job, the economy, my health, and our future.

Just when I thought I was starting to get control over my diabetes it has started on a new rampage.

We decided to cut way back on the holiday spending. We bought very few gifts for friends or family and only exchanged a couple of small gifts with each other.

Our tradition has been that we celebrate on Christmas Eve together and then spend Christmas day with family and/or friends. Tonight I made us a fairly traditional Christmas dinner, we opened our presents, and then snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. We finally headed off to bed, but of course my blood sugar is too high so I can’t get to sleep yet so I began thinking and reflecting. I realized that tonight it finally felt like Christmas. Amid all of the chaos and uncertainty in our lives and our world, all I need and all I want is the wonderful love that I receive from Donald. The evening was perfect. He is now sleeping peacefully and I plan to join him shortly.

It’s always been a bit cliche’ but Christmas really is about family, whether it’s your biological family or the family that you create as you make friends and develop relationships in your life. The ones that you hold dearest in your heart are the ones who make the holidays special.

This Christmas I am grateful to still be alive and to have so many wonderful people that I consider family in my life. Some are nearby and others are miles away but they are all deep inside my “broken” heart. They’re love helps to keep my damaged heart beating.

the perfect recipe . . .

lkirk — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 04:22:12 +0000

The past couple of weeks have been really tough on so many levels. First, I’ve been battling some type of stomach/intestinal/upper respiratory bug off and on. As soon as I think I’m getting better it hits me again. Of course, my emotional status is always linked to my physical status thus there has been an ominous shadow of depression hanging over me though it never quite settled in, until . . .

Add to the above factors that Donald has been very stressed out at work due to inventory. He has had to work late nights all this week and it has made him a bit irritable. So, needless to say, it has seemed that I could do little right this week where he was concerned.

Stir into the mix a lot of difficult things happening to people that I love: my best friend rolling his vehicle, another close friend losing a relative to murder, yet another close friend passing out in her car and is now undergoing cardiac evaluation, and worry about my two 7 month old kittens who have been missing since Saturday.

Pour in some grief: I was able to confirm today that the kittens were found by some neighbors who took them to the vet to have them checked out. The vet said that they tested positive for feline HIV, which I don’t believe was correct as they have been under our vets care almost since they were born. Anyway, the neighbors went knocking on doors but we weren’t home. They took them to a cat clinic where they were then put to sleep.

Now mix in some anger because neither clinic ever scanned the kittens for microchips which we had just had implanted in them when they were nuetered only 4 weeks ago.

Allow the mixture to set for a while and then gently fold in a good dose of guilt for not having locked the kittens up on Halloween night prior to driving to Atlanta, or for not getting out soon enough to search the neighborhood (but we thought they’d come back in a day or so - they’re cats), or for . . . oh I can think of a million reasons why it’s all my fault.

Allow this mixture to bake in your mind at whatever temperature you find desirable and for any length of time at all. You’ll know that it is a fully cooked depression when you find little joy or solace in the fact that you’ve been cast in a new show, you’ve reconnected with several long lost friends on Facebook, or even in the fact that Barack Obama won the election.

And there you have it. . . the perfect recipe for depression . . . for me at least.

Christopher

Ponce

Seven short months of life.

What a day . . .

lkirk — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 03:10:30 +0000

Today began very early and very quickly. I awoke to the sounds of my dad and my aunt talking about the storm and getting the plywood up over the windows. I got out of bed and dressed quickly. I didn’t take time to eat, check my blood sugar, or take my insulin but went straight outside to help my dad get the plywood off the top of his pathfinder and to the back of the house. From there I was asked to go and fill up the gasoline container for the generator and to fill up my mother’s car with fuel.

I had to go to three stations before I found one that still had Regular grade gasoline. Most of the stations were running out of lower grade fuels. At my third stop I found the fuel that I needed and filled up. Then I made my way to the grocery store to pick up a few supplies that my aunt and sister had asked me to get.

I arrived back at the house in time to help dad and my aunt get the plywood screwed into place. With three of us working on it it was pretty easy. About that time mom called and said she was being released so I jumped back into the car and headed to the rehab hospital.

Of course when I got to mom’s room she was ready but we didn’t have all of her papers yet. So I made multiple trips up and down the elevator getting her things into the car and then we waited. . .and waited. Finally I went down to the office only to find out that they had already finished the paperwork and mom could leave. We waited for nothing.

After getting mom home and settled I fell asleep on the sofa. I still had not had much to eat and had not taken any insulin. When I woke up I was a bit in a daze but I managed to accidentally upset my aunt. I was already barely holding myself together emotionally and this little encounter pushed me over the edge. I locked myself in the bathroom for a good long cry and then went to my room to read and just be alone for a while. My aunt came in later and apologized for her reaction to me and I apologized again for upsetting her. The incident is behind us and we are both fine, however, I can’t say as much for my emotional state right now. I wish that I could handle things better, handle things like I used to be able to. I hate being so over-emotional about things.

My sister and I took advantage of a lull in the rain to take my nephew out for a stroll. We had a good talk and it definitely helped but I still feel an ominous depression hovering over me (much like that damn Tropical Storm Fay has been hovering over St. Augustine all day). I don’t know exactly where or when it’s going to hit me, but I’m certain that it’s going to hit me. I’m considering the possibility of going home a week earlier than planned but I need to take a couple of days to truly assess how much my mother is going to need me now that she is home. Today she has proven to be quite self sufficient only requiring minimal assistance. Her new physical therapist is coming by tomorrow (provided that the storm isn’t hitting us too hard) and we’ll get a better picture of where she truly is in her recovery.

For anyone interested here is the latest radar picture of FAY:

any way the wind blows . . .

lkirk — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:35:42 +0000

Well it seems that my life’s drama follows me everywhere. Today we received great news about my mom. She is being released in the morning from Rehab and will be coming home. We also received word from the local and national weather services that we are likely to get hit head-on by a Category I hurricane, Fay, on Thursday.

Dad and I went to Lowes tonight and got plywood for the windows in the back of the house. There aren’t any trees in the front so we aren’t going to cover them. There are several large trees in the back yard though and the patio room is mostly windows so we need to cover them. We are also going to have to get on the roof of the house and cut a large limb that hangs directly over the patio room. The tree and the limb have been weakened by previous storms and we are concerned that it will give way if we take a direct hit from the storm. If it even passes just a few miles to the north of us we will not get the full brunt of the storm. The worst damage from hurricanes occurs at the center and to the eastern side of the storms. By the time the wind/rain bands reach the western side they have lost much of their speed and velocity leaving basically just a lot of rain. However, the western side can spawn tornadoes so we still have to be on alert.

My dad has a generator that we tested this evening. It can supply enough power to run the refrigerator, the window A/C unit in the patio room and maybe one lamp. We are going to fill up the gasoline cans and propane for the grill in the morning so that we will be able to run the generator and cook on the grill if we loose power. The last major storm that hit this area resulted in power loss for about 7 days.

We are far enough inland that we do not have to worry about storm surges however, we can experience flash flooding of the streets and nearby creeks.

So, we are going to get my mother home just in time to batton down the hatches and ride out the storm. While we are hopeful that Fay will just go out to sea and stay there, it isn’t likely. So we are preparing for the worst.

My sister and my nephew came up from Orlando today to escape the storm as it went through there. It was only a Tropical Storm and did little damage. Tonight the storm is heading out to sea off the east coast of the state near Cape Canaveral where it is expected to reach Category I Hurricane status and then veer left and make landfall again near or over Jacksonville. She probably would have been better off staying at home but . . .

giving thanks . . .

lkirk — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 02:34:46 +0000

My mother’s surgery was a success and she is stable and recovering tonight. She has a long and somewhat painful road to recovery but we believe that in the end she will be able to move around without pain again.

Her surgeon was a really nice man who took the time this morning to pray with our family before taking mom into surgery. He said that her hip was in really bad shape and that the replacement should provide her with significant relief from the pain and limitations that she has been living with the past couple of years.

Tomorrow morning my siblings and I will begin taking shifts staying at the hospital to allow my dad to come home, rest, and shower before going back for the evening. Dad has not left mom’s side at all today and plans to spend each night at the hospital with her. It’s just the type of committment that they share. Mom stayed with me a couple of nights after my implant surgery. Our family sticks together.

My Aunt Margaret went above and beyond by babysitting my nephew, Mason today and preparing a wonderful dinner for us when we returned home. She has been such a blessing to my parents and they love having her live with them. Besides, she and my mom have been friends from the moment mom married into their family and it’s really great for them to be able to hang out together and enjoy their friendship.

’twas the night before . . .

lkirk — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:27:31 +0000

My brother and I arrived in Jacksonville on Saturday night. My sisters both drove over today (Sunday). We have been enjoying our family time with my parents and my aunt Margaret. We had a joint birthday party this evening for my mom and my sister Natalie. Then mom had to do some prep that the hospital instructed her to do the night before to prepare for the surgery. Natalie and I stayed up late playing scrabble which was really fun and helped to take our minds off of the surgery.

I know that mom is anxious and honestly I am too. It scares me for my mother to undergo such an invasive surgery as hip replacement. She is actually in excellent health, in general, so my fears are likely unfounded, but any surgery has an element of risk. I know too that the benefits of this surgery for her will far outweigh the risks. Still, I am anxious. I’ve always been very protective of my mom. Growing up she was not only my mother but she was my best friend, and she is still great at both roles.

While we were all gathered around the table for cake we took time to all join hands and pray for mom’s safety and for wisdom and steadiness of hand for the surgeons. My dad prayed for God’s peace to envelope mom and each of us. Once again I was reminded of how incredible my family is and how blessed I am to be a part of this family. We don’t always see eye to eye on issues, and we may argue with each other from time to time (though that is really pretty rare), we have a strong bond of love and relation that we all feel and we all respond to it, especially in difficult times. We also have a fabric of faith that has been woven into the very structure of our family that binds us together and gives us strength and peace. Again, we don’t always agree about all of the nuances of our faith but we all share a common belief in the tennants of our faith; we believe in God, creator of all things; we believe he reigns in power and majesty; we believe in Jesus Christ his only son and our Lord; we believe that Jesus was crucified for our sins and rose from the dead and ascended to the right hand of God the father; we believe that he will return to earth again to redeem his own; we believe that we shall spend eternity with him in heaven. This we believe individually and as a family. It is part of the very foundation of our family and it has proven to be a steady foundation that has held us together through many storms and difficult times.

Faith is a very powerful thing. Family is a very powerful bond. I am very proud to share in both.

lonely without you . . .

lkirk — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:22:54 +0000

Today has been a very emotional day. Donald and his mother left this evening for South Carolina to be with his cousin who has cancer in one of his kidneys and is having the kidney removed tomorrow. He’s only been gone a few hours and I already miss him terribly. I’ve been crying off and on most of the day in anticipation of this separation.

Donald returns on Sunday, however, I leave with my brother on Saturday to head to Florida. My mother is having major surgery and will be laid up for several weeks. My brother is staying for a week and then driving back. I am staying for 4 weeks and will fly back in early September. This is why Donald’s leaving has upset me so much, because it will be an entire month before we see each other again.

I know that for many people this would not be such a big deal; I used to be one of them, but now my entire existence depends so much upon Donald and his unconditional and unlimited love and strength. I know that we will both survive this time apart and it will probably be good for us in some ways but I’ve never missed anyone so much so quickly.

Of course I sure that being worried about my mother and her upcoming surgery has also added to my emotional stress. On top of the fact that there are so many issues around the house that need to be tended to. I guess I’ve become a bit overwhelmed and yet again slapped in the face with my limitations.

the show must go on . . . without me.

lkirk — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 16:52:10 +0000

I received a disappointing phone call this morning from the Chorus Master (Amy) of Nashville Opera. The Artistic Director (John) has re-done the production of the show so that the chorus is much more involved. Though the chorus doesn’t have any more singing than before, they are going to be used as supernumeraries (non-singing actors) throughout. There will be a lot of fast movement and the men have to handle several set changes. This made John nervous about having me in the cast. He needs all of the men for the set changes so I’d have to be able to pull my weight. I understand his position and that keeping me in the show would create extra tension for him, worrying about whether he is pushing me too hard. So, I will not be in Don Giovanni afterall.

I have a great working relationship with John and with Amy and I greatly appreciate the amount of time that they took trying to find a way to fit me into the show. This turn of events does not drop the curtain on my return to the Opera stage, it merely postpones it for a couple of months.

Amy talked with me at length about Amahl and the Night Visitors, this season’s Holiday performance. This show only runs about 50 minutes and does not have a lot quick physical movement for the chorus. The schedule was the only issue of concern as this show will do a mini-tour around middle-Tennessee over the course of a week or so. There will be evening and morning performances at different venues in several different towns.

After discussing it at length we decided to re-cast me into Amahl and the Night Visitors. So, I will be able to return to the stage before the year is out and I am excited about that. Tickets can be purchased online from the Nashville Opera website.

This will preclude me from the revival of Scattered, Covered, Smothered Christmas at Donelson Sr. Center. I don’t believe that I will be ready for the energy that my character, Danny Wayne, requires though.

a new chapter begins . . .

lkirk — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:49:04 +0000

I was able to get my appointment with the Endochronologist moved up to tomorrow morning. I am very hopeful that the escalating situation with my diabetes will finally turn around. I took the time this evening to update my spreadsheet with all of my fasting Bg levels (Blood glucose = Bg) f0r the past couple of weeks and documented all of my doctor and ER visits from December 2007 to the present so that my new doctor will be immediately up to date on my disease.

Changing subjects, I learned this evening of the passing of Estelle Getty.

While I loved her in Mannequin and The Golden Girls, I can’t say that I was too familiar with much of her work. In reading her bio online however, I was encouraged to read that she didn’t get her first significant break until she was 47 years old. It gave me hope that there still might be a successful career in entertainment for me after all.

God speed to you Estelle with “Love and Laughter”.